MassMedia Throwback Post: The Ingredient For Love

The ingredient for Love is simple to me; people expect love to be solid and we feel it should never change.  Love does change in fact there’s nothing in life that stays the same; it will change in one-way or the other. People change, looks change, health changes, our hair changes, our weight changes, our age changes, our job changes–I mean let’s face it things will change—its life.

It’s about embracing change that will get you through life, when you work a job—you can be doing things the same way for months and your boss comes up and says “that’s changing we have a new format” so what do you have to do, embrace it. And to be real, the next week your boss comes right back and says, “Were going back to the old way, that didn’t work out.” So again you have to embrace change and get with the program. So in our personal life we have to have the same concept, Embrace Change. Things are not always going to be the same way they were when you first met that person.  We have to understand that from the first hello, the first conversation, the first date, the first time you make love, the first time you told that person “I Love You”, to you saying I Do—your relationship changed from moment to moment it can not be the same. All these things happened in phases, which is another form of change. It’s the way you feel when you see that person and it turns into a feeling that you cannot be without that person. (Embrace change)

Love is funny and it’s tricky—it can make you happy, but at the same time it can hurt you to the bone. It can heal pain, and make you feel complete.  It’s a lot of emotions that are involved with love, and we all love differently. But knowing when you found that person that you feel you could be with forever is the best feeling. Don’t run from it (fellas), understand what love is. Love is change—so no matter what storms blow your way remember that this is a part of love. Instead of saying why me, look at the situation as an opportunity to become closer than close with your mate. And I mean with-in reason—one thing about love it should always be respectful-and I can’t say it won’t hurt. But it shouldn’t leave you scared. To me that means you can be hurt when you’re in love—the person you love to death and trying to please could have just told you they don’t like your head game. That will hurt you, but not scar you. It will hurt your feelings and ego, you probably thought you be putting it down. But when something like this happens it’s the time to embrace change instead of saying f-it.  Sit down and ask question, try to learn your partner more, maybe they liked it yesterday but today it hurts—who knows.

But a scaring love is being abused and mistreated and we should never stand for that. The truth is—a love that is tearing you down ain’t really love.  A person that is making you feel little and beneath them, a person that has you crying all the time ain’t worth it—that’s not love.  We have to take time to understand if what we have is real, we have to ask ourselves is this right are do I just want it to be—it’s a difference. So when Oprah says love should never hurt—I can agree to a certain point, it shouldn’t leave you scared and drained. But I do feel there will be times where your spouse might hurt you unintentionally.  Not a hurt where it can’t be worked out and fixed, even if your spouse said something you didn’t like—you should be able to sit down and talk to them and asked them to express themselves differently.

So here are my main ingredients for a long lasting love and a strong foundation. I’m talking about a rock solid one— no matter if it rains storms a hurricane can blow through it or it can catch on fire. You will be still standing like it didn’t affect you. It might leave some broken pieces that have to be fix—but as long as you are riding together it will be a piece of cake to patch up.

1. Trust—trust is essential key in a relationship; when your laying down the foundation of your relationship trust should be the base. I don’t care how much great sex you have, how many conversations you can have—you will not be able to weather any storms without trust. Fine, your girl or guy gives great head and can sex you crazy—if you don’t trust that person that great sex will end your relationship faster than it started. You’ll go crazy when there not around—little crazy thoughts will roam through your mind about them—it’s not worth it. Put trust second to God, and when I say trust—I mean you have to open up and let this person all the way in. You have to believe in this person and have faith that they will always do the right things by you.?2. Understanding—I placed this second because to me, a relationship will not make it without being an understanding person. And this falls on both ends, you want to be understood and you want to understand that person. It will be times where your spouse wants to be left alone, they don’t want to talk at that moment, it can be times where there not in the mood. You may run into times where they want things done a certain way, they may need for you to hug them and give them a kiss. When you’re in a relationship that you want to last, you have to be understanding and not be selfish. A good example, you see them mad and you want them to talk about it, they say give me a minute, but you want them to talk now. No—-have some understanding for how that person is feeling—maybe they just need to think before they say something that will hurt you. Be understanding that sometimes your spouse can be tired are wrapped up and they’re not purposely ignoring you.  I could go on; it’s basically placing yourself in your spouse shoes.  Asking yourself “would I want her to be laying down with another man?” Try to walk in your spouse shoes sometimes so you can show some compassion to your mate.?3. Confidence and Goals—having confidence within yourself is major, if you’re insecure it can ruin your relationship. Knowing that you take care of your girl/guy and have no reason to worry about them should be the way you carry your relationship. (Make sure that you are and not just play pimping) Feeling like hey I’m keeping them happy so there’s no need for me to stress and be a stalker, will keep your relationship alive. Nobody wants to be with somebody who is worried and checking on him or her every five minutes. This goes back to the trust part of the relationship, trust your spouse and feel confident enough that they are doing what’s right. (Until they start acting strange-I’m just saying) Goals are a major factor in a relationship as well—who wants to spend the rest of their life with somebody who isn’t motivated? Goals need to set individually and together, set goals on what you two want for your life rather it be a house, money in the bank, that new 745 in the drive way. Whatever goals you two set for your relationship stick to it, personal goals are a must—we must be individuals in life. We have to have our own identity, our own goals, and our own separate life’s to keep sane. Make sure you set goals for yourself and share them with your spouse so they can push you into greatness. You will need them to cheer lead you to your victory, especially when it seems so far away. And I promise there’s nothing sexier to me than a motivated man -I love it.

4. Intimacy and Lust—you need to have a very intimate relationship with your spouse, intimacy is kissing, hugging and touching. It’s more than sex it’s the act of love— its social, emotional, mental and spiritual as well. Intimacy really means total life sharing that you will give everything that you have to that person-mind, body and soul. It’s a peak of pleasure that gives you the big O every time you hit the sheets, it’s the way you stimulate your partners mind with your words. The way you look at them that sends a tingle through their body, the feeling that you give them that they can’t live without. Your openness and willingness to please by any means necessary, the closeness you feel from them. Now lust is the second piece to your puzzle, we all have lust within us—there’s no denying it. It’s the reason why people cheat. Lust vs. love it is different, lust is not a commitment, it is a feeling that is temporary.   I see LL Cool J and I can have a moment in my head where I lust for him, but when it’s over I’m done—I’m not in love with him. You should lust for your partner and want for your partner to lust for you. You should lust for their touch, their bodies, and there good good. Lust is an overwhelming feeling of desire to have something, so why let that all go to waste on somebody else you don’t know are love. Lust is a deadly sin, the bible tells a man to be careful whom you fix your eyes on. I agree with that statement your eyes should stay on the person you love and you should lust for them only.?5. Looks-I started not to go here, but we can let ourselves go sometimes, we women dress sexy and keep out hair done in the beginning. We put on our Vikki secrets to go to bed, make sure were smelling good for our new boo. Than once we get him wrapped it’s a wrap for us, we break out the granny panties-head scarfs, skin cream and put on socks before we go to sleep. Now I’ll be the first to tell a ninja I ain’t messing up my blow out for nobody so he has to get use to my silk scarf but you get my point. And the same goes for men as well, keeping up with getting your hair faded, beard lined and a fresh fit on-goes out the door as well. We have to keep ourselves lustful for our partners so they eyes don’t be wondering. So if flo is not visiting, maybe grab some cute boy shorts and a tank top for bed even if you have on a scarf.  Dudes have to understand a sister’s hair ain’t made to be blow-dried everyday. But we can make sure we smell good and look sexy for bed, and on the day before you get your hair done go all out with it-leave the scarf off get some Fredrick’s Of Hollywood popping off and treat ya man good ladies. And fella’s it doesn’t take much to keep yourselves up a haircut and a bath should be simple.?6. Partners—being partners should be a must, in my eyes being my partner means I can depend on you. So whenever I need you—if you can, you should be there. And partner’s share everything basically money, reasonability, conversations etc you get my point—you have to be your spouse partner.?7. Be Friends (companionship)- I didn’t include this in being partners, because sometimes you’re somebody’s partner but not their friend. Weird ain’t it. Sometimes we feel like our spouses do not understand us and we can’t talk to them. So you go out and get somebody you think you can talk to, somebody that will understand how you are feeling. That’s why it’s very important to be your spouse best friend. Let them know they can talk to you about anything and listen. Friends listen without judgment—sometimes we get so caught up in our ways we don’t even see we are being fickle to our spouse. Sometimes your mate might just want to vent to you without you putting your two cents in. That’s why I say embracing change is important because at that moment they don’t need a spouse they need an ear and a friend to listen to them. So we have to be understanding to them and bow down and give them what they need, so they don’t feel like they have to go other places for that type of companionship.

Well I would throw in money, but in my book money can’t buy you love—I feel if two people are for each other, there grinding together they will get whatever they want in life. So money doesn’t equal happiness for me, but if it does for you I can understand—they say money makes the world go around.

Please learn to embrace change—it’s life—and when you guys are having a moment remember the only person you can change at that point is you.

What did I miss add to the list if you can, we all need to help each other?