Reality Dose: Why Do We Feel The Need To Stay Together For The Kids Sake?

“I didn’t want my kids in a broken home. I was willing to suffer for their sake” Shaunie O’Neal

I know back then I felt obligated to stay with my ex because I didn’t want my kids to come from a broken home. I stayed and endured getting abused physically, mental and emotionally all for what? I convinced myself my kids would be better off being in the home with there mother and father, that they deserved to have that family I didn’t have. No matter how bad it got, I stayed. I won’t lie my self esteem was very low; I didn’t think I could find another man because I had two kids. I felt I wasn’t pretty enough, I didn’t know how to satisfy a man sexually or make a man happy. Honestly I thought those things because it was what he told me. Everything he said I sucked up like a sponged and believed every bit of it like he spoke the good Gospel. I hated my life, day in and day out I was disrespected and put down, no matter how much I tried to do right; it was never good enough. I was miserable and had the nerve to almost get married.

I got my dress, hall, picked out my colors and formed a wedding party. I spent mad dollars on this almost wedding, I will admit at first I was excited; getting married is a major goal for most women. Yet in the back of my mind I battled with the thoughts of his bad temper and awful beatings. How he disrespected me and had a disrespectful side woman who called me whenever she felt like it. I couldn’t force myself to seem excited for very long once the reality sunk in that I did not want to marry a man who was beating me. What was I to do? I sent out invitations and everybody included my mother was excited about the upcoming nuptials. I spent the day alone at the wedding counselor, which happened to be my uncle, and he read me like a book.

“You don’t seem happy, a women who is getting married to the man of their dreams should be happy.” I looked at him and shrugged my shoulders.

I wasn’t happy, “Well we got these kids, all these bills and we been together all this time so why not” I replied to him.

“Because that’s not a reason to marry a man, bills, kids and years don’t mean nothing! If you don’t feel or if you know this man will not be a good husband then everything else doesn’t matter.” He continued, “This is your life, I can see something is going on that you are hiding from us, it something your covering up and I will not marry you.”

I swear it was like a load off my chest because I didn’t want to marry him, I thought about how God always comes right on time. “I spent all this money and what about all the people they’re gonna look at me funny.”

My uncle looked at me “Girl who cares about what folks think, that’s why divorces are high now, folks. Listen nobodies and I mean nobody will have to deal with that man but you. Let them folk’s talk and make up rumors, so what you wasted up a little money marriage is not something you just do. If it’s not about love then there’s not need to continue because anything built on a lie will fail and the money will still be wasted. Beside them folks wasn’t coming to do nothing but get a free meal and half of them wasn’t bringing a gift screw them do what’s best for you. Because once you go home with that man all them folks can care less about what you got yourself into. Don’t sign yourself up for trouble to impress folks because they will always have something to say.”

I left that day and promised myself I would never marry him and although I stayed I keep my promised. It was so many times I wanted to pack myself up and run away but I stayed for my kids sake. Some people feel it’s better you stay and keep the family together but I know that’s not true. I stayed 12 years; I stayed through thick and thin and I tell you it is not worth it! If you are not happy then you have nothing to give your kids period. My grandmother raised us up into believing that you should never leave your house. But what I woke up and realized; the house had left me many years ago. I was just his convenience girl something he felt he would always have. It wasn’t any love for me in that house; just misery and you know misery loves company. If you are not happy it will pour onto your everyday life, your kids, family, career everything will be affected. Your kids will grow up and move out and you will have let your whole life pass you by; years you can’t get back. There’s nothing worst than a man only being with you for kids. We deserve to have a man, a real man who loves us far beyond just that.  So yes if you can’t get that from him you have to move on, because he has. Even if a part of him stays there, the better half of him has moved on to something else and you’re still left with the short end of the stick.

I don’t know why we women feel we have to sacrifice it all to keep our families together when the men clearly could care less if he loses it. I keep it real on here because I know it’s a woman somewhere, feeling just like I did. I just want to let you know, there’s nothing like the love you have for yourself and God. Keep God first, yourself second and everything else will fall in order. You deserve to be respected and treated like a queen because that’s why God put us here. He did not put us here to suffer and be abused. I learned that if you don’t love yourself enough to know you deserve better he won’t treat you better. A man will only do to us what we allow and it’s never to late to take back your peace of mind. No matter what he tells you…YOU ARE WORTH IT! Your kids are worth you packing up your bags and showing them that you don’t have to put up with nonsense for nobody. I know how it feels, but if he’s not putting up a fight for your family you don’t either. Move on, when I look at my grandmother and I love her to pieces I see a woman who gave up all her life and now she has nothing else to live for because she is tired. She let my granddad run her into the ground and I refuse to let anyone run me into the ground I will happily live my life and so can you.

Shaunie O’Neal sat down with Essence Magazine and spilled the tea on why she left Shaq as well as a few rumors. She Also has her new show “Basketball Wives” premieres this Monday, Mar. 15 on VH1.

Miami is a great city. It just wasn’t a great city for our marriage. I know they say L.A. has its groupies, but Miami has a different mentality. Even going to the games, the whole environment is so different. Girls are practically sitting in their bra and panties in the arena. When you’re trying to keep your husband, that’s a lot to take. It was a whole new lifestyle I wasn’t ready for. Apparently we didn’t have a strong enough foundation for Shaq to withstand that type of temptation.

Shaunie on confronting Shaq about the infidelity rumors

He would deny it sometimes, and other times he would ask, ‘You got pictures? Video? If not, don’t come at me because you have no proof.’ “He’d say, ‘Okay, you’re mad. Now what? You’re not going anywhere.

Shaunie on being accused of cheating on Shaq with her personal trainer:

I worked out at home- with my trainer, my sister, her husband and my girlfriend. I was a good girl. I wouldn’t even entertain a man flirting with me. I was that conservative. But when those rumors came out, I felt I was so small and Shaq was so big that it didn’t matter what I said; nobody was going to believe me. All I was thinking was, How could this happen to me? I had no idea how I was going to pick up the pieces. I was just done.

Shaunie on the state of her relationship with Shaq today

We are becoming friends, and it’s nice because it’s something we really lacked in our marriage. I enjoy being able to talk openly to him, and I think we both learned a lot from each other during this time. Source